Motherhood's off-button?

So, Eli is OK. He's recovering from the flu, but I still can't believe how that fever kicked his body into a colvusion. I hate that. And I'm glad I didn't have to witness it.

You know, I have to be honest when I say that something shifted within me that day. That feeling of being torn has been swirling around in my head and heart. And it's not going anywhere. I went to lunch with my co-worker, C, Friday and we talked about it. She doesn't have kids, so she doesn't fully understand, but still, she listened.

It's hard. It's really hard.

But, I have a great job--one that is sending me to New Orleans this month. I'll be in the heart of the French Quarter; I've never been and I'm excited. But, the excitement is sort of a temporary band aid. I still feel ... torn.

Can't get into that too much. You understand.

So, I'm sitting here in the Oaks Mall in the food court staring at the tiny laptop. Our internet is out at home right now. (Now, that's some real pain, lol.) And that's why I haven't been around too much. But, my house is complete chaos.

I swear I can't walk across the livingroom without being tackled by my (recovering) 3-year-old. Oh, he's perked right on up. With all the screaming and the tackling and the whining, I knew I had to leave so that I could work on the manuscript.

(Which, by the way, I am down to the wire on!)

And as I was packing my briefcase, my daughter asked if she could come.

"You don't understand," I said. "I will be working. Strictly working. No fun. No play. No Build-A-Bear. No shopping ..."

She wasn't discouraged. And so, I caved. She packed a little pink bag filled with crayons, paper, her DS, and well, here we are in a mad sea of orange and blue. It's kind of ironic to be in the middle of the gator-crazed crowd when I'm sitting here writing about Tebow.

But, I thought to myself a few moments ago (before I hopped on the blog), people probably think I'm the worst mom in the world. I'm staring at my laptop and barely speaking to my daughter, who happens to be staring off into space right now. Great.

I knew this wasn't going to quite work out. OK, good, she's drawing now.

And now, I have to get to work. But, I wanted to stop by for a few minutes while I had the chance. I think Naomi and I will have to hit up Chic-Fil-A for an ice-cream cone. Motherhood's off-button? Doesn't exist. (Even when you're on deadline.)