The only problem with that last move (the decluttering of the swamp) is that people want to know where all my stuff is. It's kind of funny that I can't just be nice and neat.
In my younger years, I wasn't nice or neat. Creative minds tend to be all over the place and that is one my biggest hurdles; and also one of my biggest gifts. But, that also means that sometimes your surroundings are all over the place. (My bedroom isn't in perfect order today--a reflection of what's in my mind; and it's sort of driving me mad.)
The only problem with that is that I cannot focus in the midst of clutter. So, there you have it: a peak into my mind. A peek into how I drive myself crazy on many days.
Like today. Yeah, today is one of those days. You know, I can write and write and write on the blog and anything to do with feelings. But, this manuscript I am working on; it's driving me insane. There is such specific order to this thing that I feel like my creative brain is going to short circuit for not being able to freely flow. Instead, I have to sit inside of this neat little box.
I don't work like that, though. I work in that mode, if you could imagine me as an artist, there are splashes of paint of all different colors here and there. And the mess is just glorious. But, this thing ... this is me needing to paint a tree in a specific spot; and a lake in a specific spot. My brain doesn't work well that way.
So, we'll see if I can pull the chaos together. My brain isn't loving this season of life. I am all over the place when I need to be in one. Which is why I am on the blog instead of in the manuscript. Over here, I am allowed to be messy and splashy. But, when I leave here for the day, I have to paint that tree right in its proper place.
I'm not feeling it.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Motherhood's off-button?
So, Eli is OK. He's recovering from the flu, but I still can't believe how that fever kicked his body into a colvusion. I hate that. And I'm glad I didn't have to witness it.
You know, I have to be honest when I say that something shifted within me that day. That feeling of being torn has been swirling around in my head and heart. And it's not going anywhere. I went to lunch with my co-worker, C, Friday and we talked about it. She doesn't have kids, so she doesn't fully understand, but still, she listened.
It's hard. It's really hard.
But, I have a great job--one that is sending me to New Orleans this month. I'll be in the heart of the French Quarter; I've never been and I'm excited. But, the excitement is sort of a temporary band aid. I still feel ... torn.
Can't get into that too much. You understand.
So, I'm sitting here in the Oaks Mall in the food court staring at the tiny laptop. Our internet is out at home right now. (Now, that's some real pain, lol.) And that's why I haven't been around too much. But, my house is complete chaos.
I swear I can't walk across the livingroom without being tackled by my (recovering) 3-year-old. Oh, he's perked right on up. With all the screaming and the tackling and the whining, I knew I had to leave so that I could work on the manuscript.
(Which, by the way, I am down to the wire on!)
And as I was packing my briefcase, my daughter asked if she could come.
"You don't understand," I said. "I will be working. Strictly working. No fun. No play. No Build-A-Bear. No shopping ..."
She wasn't discouraged. And so, I caved. She packed a little pink bag filled with crayons, paper, her DS, and well, here we are in a mad sea of orange and blue. It's kind of ironic to be in the middle of the gator-crazed crowd when I'm sitting here writing about Tebow.
But, I thought to myself a few moments ago (before I hopped on the blog), people probably think I'm the worst mom in the world. I'm staring at my laptop and barely speaking to my daughter, who happens to be staring off into space right now. Great.
I knew this wasn't going to quite work out. OK, good, she's drawing now.
And now, I have to get to work. But, I wanted to stop by for a few minutes while I had the chance. I think Naomi and I will have to hit up Chic-Fil-A for an ice-cream cone. Motherhood's off-button? Doesn't exist. (Even when you're on deadline.)
You know, I have to be honest when I say that something shifted within me that day. That feeling of being torn has been swirling around in my head and heart. And it's not going anywhere. I went to lunch with my co-worker, C, Friday and we talked about it. She doesn't have kids, so she doesn't fully understand, but still, she listened.
It's hard. It's really hard.
But, I have a great job--one that is sending me to New Orleans this month. I'll be in the heart of the French Quarter; I've never been and I'm excited. But, the excitement is sort of a temporary band aid. I still feel ... torn.
Can't get into that too much. You understand.
So, I'm sitting here in the Oaks Mall in the food court staring at the tiny laptop. Our internet is out at home right now. (Now, that's some real pain, lol.) And that's why I haven't been around too much. But, my house is complete chaos.
I swear I can't walk across the livingroom without being tackled by my (recovering) 3-year-old. Oh, he's perked right on up. With all the screaming and the tackling and the whining, I knew I had to leave so that I could work on the manuscript.
(Which, by the way, I am down to the wire on!)
And as I was packing my briefcase, my daughter asked if she could come.
"You don't understand," I said. "I will be working. Strictly working. No fun. No play. No Build-A-Bear. No shopping ..."
She wasn't discouraged. And so, I caved. She packed a little pink bag filled with crayons, paper, her DS, and well, here we are in a mad sea of orange and blue. It's kind of ironic to be in the middle of the gator-crazed crowd when I'm sitting here writing about Tebow.
But, I thought to myself a few moments ago (before I hopped on the blog), people probably think I'm the worst mom in the world. I'm staring at my laptop and barely speaking to my daughter, who happens to be staring off into space right now. Great.
I knew this wasn't going to quite work out. OK, good, she's drawing now.
And now, I have to get to work. But, I wanted to stop by for a few minutes while I had the chance. I think Naomi and I will have to hit up Chic-Fil-A for an ice-cream cone. Motherhood's off-button? Doesn't exist. (Even when you're on deadline.)
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